As you might imagine, I don’t check this site often. I’m not a counselor. I wasn’t kidding that all I have to share is my story.
So when I popped in today, I loved reading comments saying this site helps. (Of course, if I had my wish, I’d trade the story for a big fairy godmother’s wand and I’d zap everyone and erase it all to make everyone’s story perfect .) But, if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past two years, it is that we are living a story of restoration and redemption rather than one of perfection.
So since people are reading, I started wondering if there was something I left out. Something that looks different now.
Looking back, I think one of the most devastating things about an affair is how it warps your identity–for both the betrayer and betrayed.
The betrayer in the midst of the affair becomes schizophrenic. Sometimes being more attractive, entertaining and powerful than they really are. (Sorry. Is true.) And the rest of the time being more loathesome, worthless, cowardly than they could ever possibly imagine. (Also true.)
The betrayed see themselves as unattractive, worthless, stupid for trusting, and an absolute fool for any feelings of compassion whatsoever.
And you can live there. You can own that identity of the betrayed or betraying spouse.
Worse, if you leave, it is easy to define your identity. There is power in it. Betrayer and betrayed can leave their previous life behind, fashion whatever story they want in their head (wasn’t REALLY in love, married too young, and other types of annullment language) to avoid the identities that are too uncomfortable to wear (chose myself over my family, didn’t care for the love I had for my spouse, etc).
But if you stay, there isn’t really an identity to own. There is no movie about a heroine/hero who takes back the betraying spouse. We don’t admire Liz Hurley (she forgave Hugh Grant…you can probably google it). We don’t admire Bill and Hillary (well at least not for their private lives). Would we be excited if Jon and Kate got back together?
So if we stay, who are we?
There is a mental battle to restoring your marriage that has to do with how you see yourself. If you are the betraying spouse and you feel “justified” in any way–good luck with that. You aren’t in. You won’t make it. If you are the betrayed spouse and you see yourself as unattractive–you won’t be able to leave the pain behind. You’ll punish yourself every day feeling like it is your fault. That if you were thinner, sexier, smarter–this never would have happened.
It takes a lot to write a new story. The best thing you can give each other is messages about who each other is. Because though you can do this by yourself, the reality is that the strongest influence on identity isn’t what we tell ourselves. It is what others say about us.
And the thing is, to be really effective, it has to be concrete. It isn’t enough to say, you look wonderful. (Because your spouse likely won’t believe you.) This has to a be a deeply creative effort. You have to reveal things about your spouse that they simply can’t see. Something like this…
“You have a real gift for…”
“I always admired how you…”
“What you said about……really connected with me.”
“I love it that I can rely on you for….”
“Remember that time you…” (Because you have to heal your history too. The betrayed spouse will doubt their memories)
Identity is a gift you can give each other. Mark did this for me with the Stardust movie. And more recently with regard to a sitcom we are watching where the couple have a really sweet love for each other. “You are Lily.” He said. (Which was great, because in the episode we watched it was particularly true and it was a very “us” moment.)
Heal each other. Redemption and love are worthy goals.
