It’s been two years…in case you are wondering here are the updates:
On the marriage. I truly enjoy our life together. Laughter with our kids. Cooking dinner. Hanging out watching TV because we like all the same shows. Long talks. Hugs. Holding hands. Watching squirrels in the backyard. Household projects. Inside jokes. Dreams. Plans. The marriage part of our marriage is good. Not perfect. We still disagree and frustrations flare. But our day to day life is rich, comfortable and we need each other. We are fully present.
On Mark. He’s different. Softer. Kinder. More open. Willing to try.
On faith. I just had a long conversation at a trade show–as happens with vendors when traffic is abysmally slow. I have no details on his story except that he is divorced and went from a deeply risk-taking-God-directed-life to a very pragmatic faith. And the conversation bothered me. I grappled with it on the plane ride home. I risked everything believing that God asked me to stay. Believing little encouragements like the Stardust movie and the Disney Princess Toothbrush holder. I need those things to be true. It’s like the movie Secondhand Lions. You don’t always have proof that what you trust in is true. But in my case, the story is more beautiful if it is, and I’m living that story…
On me. I’m different. Less sure. More able to embrace that life is messy. That people are messy. I understand pain. I recognize it in others. And though I rarely have the opportunity to share my story, I have deep empathy when others are living it. The crashes still come. Though rare–they are difficult to walk through. And each time, we have to dissect until we get to the core. I wish it were easier. There are still some splinters there working themselves out.
Was it worth it? I’ve hated the pain. The confusion. The searching for answers. The crisis of faith. All of it impossible to measure. Love, forgiveness, hope, a life together, the beauty of Mark’s soul…how do you weight the two against each other? Honestly, if I’d known the full process going in I’m not sure I would have had the strength to stay. But standing here two years later, I’m deeply glad I did. I wish our story were different. I wish Mark had made different choices. (Mark wishes he’d made different choices.) But we took where we were and went from there. It was all we could do. The best part is that we are doing it together.
Thank you for your posts. I am just 8 months in and your story has been such an encouragement to me. I’m hoping to be that for others, also. I am posting a similar story at my sight.
My husband and I sat and read your posts and just wept together. He has been a changed man since my discovery. It was so good for him to read about this pain from someone else’s perspective. I am still struggling with my faith in God and I was the spiritual leader in our home before all of this. My husband is rising to the occasion and becoming a man after God’s heart, but I am still licking my wounds and stomping my feet a bit. I also know I am getting there bit-by-bit. Thank you for giving me hope!