I wrote earlier that trust was one of the last things to be repaired.
Over the past several weeks I’m coming to a heart place of understanding that though it makes no logical sense to ever trust Mark again, that I can trust the One who asked me to stay.
And that’s been the craziest thing.
Other friends who have been through this have divorced and gone on to lead happy lives have talked about God being with them every step of the way providing comfort and hope. My experience has been different. I didn’t get to pack up my pride and move on. Staying requires a grace and humility I didn’t know the depths of until now.
I’ve never experienced emotional pain like I have this year. Never experienced that depth of betrayal. And the knowledge of it scared me to the core. It’s hard to live life fearless when you know what it feels like to be that hurt.
If I really believe there is a God who loves me passionately and that He asked me to stay, then things really will be okay. I can trust Him even on days when I’m afraid to trust Mark.
Thank you for your postings. I have nothing but tears… when I read the line “staying requires a grace and humility I didn’t know the depths of until now.” I just lost it. Too many people think we “stay” because we are scared or cannot exist “without” our husbands. For me, I stayed because God gave me a CHOICE and He granted me what I asked of Him. Staying was NOT easy… and still isn’t. This week is the 1 year mark and some days its feels like I am right back at the beginning… sigh.
Ah Amber…I know.