I asked a friend once who had been through a major betrayal (not an affair but equally devastating) how he “got over it.”
His answer surprised me. He said, “It came down to who I wanted to be.”
This week, a friend of mine who divorced this year was “toasting her husband with piss and vinegar” on her Facebook status, while another who exited with more grace than you could possibly imagine after her husband’s affair has made a beautiful new life.
I think the same contrast is possible if you choose to stay. You can stay and be angry/bitter/hurt as a daily reminder of your spouse’s failure, or you can stay and love them again as the vibrant, courageous, beautiful person you are. (Yes, if you stay you are definitely courageous.)
I want to clarify that I would never advocate staying with someone who:
1) Had any contact whatsoever with their former affair partner.
2) Continued to tell lies or hide any part of their life.
3) Wasn’t completely, demonstrably committed to me and the marriage. (Had Mark been wishy-washy even a little, it would have been impossible.)
Interesting that in the staying or the leaving, my friend’s advice applies.
