One of the biggest battles this year wasn’t what I believed about the affair, but about how the affair made me view the rest of my life.
It made me feel like a failure.
I’d worked so hard to love my family. To create a place where they would feel love. A home. Why would Mark leave that to find validation somewhere else?
In looking at some old photos yesterday, the poisoning thoughts came in. Was Mark really happy then? Was I?
It’s almost impossible to get through your day if you feel your life is invalid. So how do you not own it?
Mark continually says that this wasn’t about me. That it was about failures and flaws in him. The hard part is in truly believing that. In letting go of my fear and feeling the sunshine that this one tragic event doesn’t color all of the rest of our years.
It occurs to me that most of the battles are with fear and doubt. And maybe, just maybe, now that I think about it…doubt and fear are the enemies of all marriages no matter what the status. Fear and doubt make us put up walls to protect ourselves. Make us define boundaries. Make us make decisions that protect us over our spouse.
If the opposite of fear is love and the opposite of doubt is faith, then love and faith need to be my focus. Love and faith have power. And deep inside I believe they are stronger than doubt and fear.
It’s time I started walking in that.
