Last night, Mark and I went to a class that covered spiritual formation.
As the instructor was talking, he captured it. He described that sense of being connected to God. I know not everybody walks around with that feeling, but I have. Since I was a little girl.
One of the hardest things to deal with this year is that sense of God went missing. Completely.
In fact, most of my struggle over the past few months hasn’t been with Mark. It has been spiritual.
It occurs to me that the Christian tradition I grew up in was transactional in nature. They sold a “perfect life.” Find Jesus and everything will be perfect. And, if it isn’t, you are screwing up.
While sometimes that is true–clearly Mark screwed up causing us both a great deal of pain–but it isn’t always.
So, where has God been in all this and why a little over a year later, can’t I feel that joy and peace that is so Him?
As the instructor talked last night, a small thought planted itself in my head. Here the next morning, it has developed into this: what if I can’t feel God because I was looking for perfect? I wanted Him to cheer me up. To fix it. And, don’t I have the right to expect that? After all, that is what Christianity sold me. “Beauty for ashes, gladness for mourning, peace for despair…” Paraphrase of Isaiah 61:3.
I got quiet today and started looking for God. It occurred to me, I always looked for Him in the joy I experienced before. That sense of purpose, presence and…I can’t find another word, except joy.
What if I missed God because while I was looking for Him to bring joy, He was sad with me. He didn’t come to cheer me up; He came to mourn alongside me. What happened was terrible. It broke so many things on so many levels.
Maybe the goal isn’t to get back to my past concepts of the way things are supposed to be. Maybe the goal is to walk with God to the new place we are going. And maybe I’m going to feel Him being sad with me a little while as we walk.
I’m not talking about depression or despair. I’m talking about mourning.
In any case, after last night’s class, I am focused on just being. Being not as I want to be, but as things really are. Right now. Engaging God in the sadness.
I guess the world just isn’t so perfect..
Hi Emmy! I found your blog while looking for some answers. It’s been 10 months and I still feel so hurt by the fact of him being with another woman. I relate to u in all the feelings you describe, even the spiritual ones. But, I don’t have the gut to talk to God right now. I know what he wants and I’m so confused. Well, thank you for your blog.