Back when I was dating in high school and in college, if I got my heart broken I would let myself drown in ice cream for a single day, then pick myself up, put on some lipstick and move on to the next adventure. It wasn’t easy, but it was doable. I was pretty adamant that I wasn’t going to let my joy for life get dimmed by someone else’s lame decision.
I think in the back of my mind, I thought this would be the same. After all, an affair isn’t something you forgive. It is much easier not to. I always thought that if this happened to me, I would pack up, move on, and live a wonderful happy life. Possibly—but not necessarily—with Husband 2.0 who was thoughtful, loving, handsome and independently wealthy.
Staying was something I never considered.
Here, a year later, I’ve wondered why this hasn’t been as easy as it was in high school. At first I thought it was because the wound was deeper. And though that is probably some of it, I wonder if part of the challenge is in the actual staying itself. When you leave, you can take time and heal without ever dealing with the trust issue. After all, you can limit the betrayer’s access to you. You can shake the dust off your feet and go on.
Staying is a different story. Not only do you have to forgive. You also have to learn to trust them again. And trust as an action is a terrible risk.
Of all of the things that have been resolved and healed over the course of the year, this one issue remains. Trust.
Intellectually, I’m fine. We share a bank account. I trust him to take care of the kids. But on a more personal level, it isn’t there. It isn’t the same as that open-hearted-no-reservations-freedom that used to exist.
To Mark’s credit, he’s been consistent. More of an open book than he ever was before. Without that, I wouldn’t even be having this internal discussion…I’d be gone. The girl with the lipstick and chutspa.
So, my question is… Could I learn to trust again the same way I got over breakups in high school, by setting my heart on the wonderful chapter two waiting to be lived? Is that really even possible?
Wish I had a solid answer for this one, but the story is still unfolding…
